“My love is like a painless over-the-counter-hysterectomy
Because your period sucks
And that’s not okay with me
And you’ve asked for it several times before”
– “My Love is Like a Metaphor” by Christopher Travis, CC’11
“If your love is an ocean, a bird, or a star, or a journey,
a tree, or a deer tick
Then you have some problems that you should work out,
because that’s not all that realistic.”
– “The Perfect Metaphor” by Alexis Nedd, CC’13
“Demi, was St. Elmo’s Fire burning in your loins
did you make for him an Indecent Proposal?
was the Ghost of him in past…and groins
as hot as Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle?”
– “Elegy for Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore” by Joshua Schwartz, GS’08
If you are one of the unlucky people who missed out on The Philolexian Society’s annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Bad Poetry Contest last November, fear not! For we have assembled the highlights of the event, the worst of the worst poetry you could imagine, and bound it in a booklet for your enjoyment. Surgam, the literary magazine of the Philolexian Society, is published three times a year. The Fall and Spring editions are full of seriously crafted and moving pieces, but for the Winter edition we take a break and celebrate the crazy and comical poems we share every year at the Bad Poetry Contest.
Choosing the poems wasn’t a challenge: I was in a lunchroom with two friends, and I handed them each poem and asked, “Is this funny?” If they said no, I scrapped it. If they said yes, I put it in the maybe pile. If they began reading and immediately started cackling, I knew it belonged in the magazine. It only took half an hour to see which poems were riot-inducing. I hope you find them as hilarious as we did.
The official launch party of the Winter 2012 (Kilmer) edition of Surgam is on Saturday, February 11th, from 4:00 PM to 6:00 PM in the Lerner East Ramp Lounge. If you can’t make it to the party but still want to pick up a copy, they’ll be in the Lerner magazine distribution centers next week.
Also: Surgam is accepting submissions for the Spring 2012 issue! Send poetry, prose, nonfiction, and art to email@example.com.
– MC Allen, Columbia College ’13